April Showers Bring Joe Mauers(and the rest of baseball, too!)

Alex Fiore joins us once again to discuss the early baseball season.


It’s hard to believe, but the 2008 baseball regular season is already 1/6 over. It’s been a wild April, and I’m just the man to fill you in just in case you missed something. Arizona is running on all cylinders, and I have no conceivable notion of how they would ever lose a seven-game series, throwing Brandon Webb, Dan Haren, and Micah Owings twice, with Randy Johnson picking up Game 4. The title of best team in the Majors is theirs to lose at this point, and in what appears to be a mediocre at best NL West, there’s no reason they can’t keep it that way.
The Florida Marlins are in first place in the NL East, but don’t get too excited. This team is still three years away from a World Series title (Think about it. Team formed in 1993, won in ’97 – four years. Won their next World Series in ’03 – six years later. Simple math tells me they will win their next title eight years after that – 2011, pending GM Michael Hill agrees to sell the entire roster minutes after the trophy is presented.
The Cubs lead in a much-improved NL Central, behind the hitting of Derrek Lee and Kosuke Fukudome. The club started slow, but has really picked it up these last few weeks and closer Kerry Wood looks –dare I say – adequate? With a semi-reliable bullpen, the classic downfall of the Cubs, this team can be very good. Nipping at their heels are the Cardinals and Brewers. The Brew Crew trots out the same good team as last year, but a little more experienced. They still trust Eric Gagne to close out games, so don’t take them too seriously. The Cards are going to be a team to watch as the year goes on. The first month, half their rotation belonged in AAA, but they were able to win games. With Mark Mulder and Chris Carpenter on the way back, this team could be very good.
Over in the American League, the Chicago White Sox hold first place in the Central. The team has been riding the pitching of youngsters Gavin Floyd and John Danks to the tune of 16 wins, but one injury to the pitching staff and this team will go down in flames like Roger Clemen’s life. The Indians and Tigers are starting to hit, which should put fear in the rest of the American League. Both of those teams finished below .500 on the month, but I wouldn’t bet on that happening again. The Royals had their first week success, giving false hope to people all over Kansas City, but have since started to slide back to their rightful place at the bottom of the division.
The two most winning teams in the AL reside in California, with Oakland and Los Angeles taking care of business. Oakland is a team that does not appear to be very good on paper, but the team is playing good baseball, and riding high on the pitching of Dana Eveland (who?) and Joe Blanton. Anaheim is as good as advertised, and new centerfielder Torii Hunter is fitting in just fine. With the return of Howie Kendrick and John Lackey in the next week or two, expect this team to be even better. Many people’s pick to win this division, Seattle, is floundering in third place. The team is hitting .253, 11th in the AL, and closer J.J. Putz just recently returned to the bullpen. This team still has the talent to compete, but they need to start swinging first.
The AL East is the closest division after a month, with all the teams flirting with .500. The Red Sox, Rays, and Orioles are all tied for first, with the Yankees just a game behind. This division is going to be a fun one to watch, although I don’t see the O’s sticking around too long. The Rays have the young talent to compete for the year, but they remind me too much of last year’s Brewers – a team with tons of young talent, but isn’t ready to handle the pressures of contending for the division, especially against the likes of Boston or New York. The Red Sox will start hitting, and the Yankees can’t be counted out, although the recent injury to catcher Jorge Posada is going to hurt. The Blue Jays have a nice-looking team, but they just don’t have the bats to keep up in this hitter-heavy division.
Let’s check out the stat leaders. Like any other April, the tops of the charts are filled with lightning-in-a bottle guys who might be benched by mid-June. The top five in RBI-leaders include thunderous bats of Josh Hamilton (27), Emil Brown (25), Mark Reynolds (24), and Xavier Nady (23). Chase Utley leads the MLB in homers with 10, followed by Lance Berkman and Pat Burrell (what is this, 1999?) with eight apiece. There are a slew of guys in the top ten that will be nowhere near the top in September, including power threats Mike Jacobs, Joe Crede, Edwin Encarnacion, Casey Kotchman, Nate McLouth, and Carlos Quentin.
Pitching has some more recognizable names atop its win leaders, including Brandon Webb (6-0), Chien Ming-Wang (5-1), Dan Haren (4-1), and Cliff Lee (4-0, and sporting a 0.28 ERA). Seattle ace Felix Hernandez is leading the MLB in strikeouts with 41, and Frankie Rodriguez has the most saves with 10. The biggest signing of the off-season, Johan Santana, is noticeably not atop any of these lists, working his way to 3-2 record and 3.12 ERA. I still have no doubt he’ll turn it around and we’ll see why he is worth $130 million (well, maybe not that much).
And last but not least, here are three predictions for the month of May.
Brandon Webb will continue his winning ways, having another undefeated month, going 4-0 and keeping Arizona in first place.
Chase Utley (my early MVP pick) will continue to pound the ball, and hit eight more homers by the end of may, bringing his 2-month total up to 18.
The Seattle Mariners will continue to struggle and still be in third place by June, only this time they’ll be much farther out.
So there you go, we are one month in and its been a great season so far. With close races and fun players performing, the next month should continue to be some exciting baseball.

Jay-z is rapping, Deshawn is throwin bows, and the Wizards are down 3-1

-Do you think the Wizards are getting tired of losing on last second shots to the Cavs? Damon Jones, LeBron James, Delonte West. I’m surprised that the Verizon Center didn’t just empty as soon as Gilbert hit that shot to tie it up with about 28 seconds left. “Well honey start the car, LeBron has the ball with 28 seconds left! Who wants to go to Mickey-D’s?”
It’s like, back when the Patriots were winning Super Bowls. If Tom Brady had over a minute to drive his team down the field for the winning score, that game was over. This series is done and over with and I am damn glad it is. I hate Washington more and more every game.

-Sure, I am a Cavs fan, but the Washington Wizards make me sick, like when you Google search the word pooh bear and all of the sudden up comes a picture of a guy doing a bear. Yea, you know what I am talking about. Brendan Haywood dunks over Boobie Gibson then decides to put his nuts Gibson’s face. Boobie ends up with a technical because he retaliated. Give me a break. This whole Wizards team is going to remembered as a decent team with one guy who wrote a funny blog but could never get out of the first round of the playoffs.

-I think that DeShawn Stevenson is the Freddie Mitchell of the NBA. For some reason, this mediocre basketball player continues to feel that he has some sort of right to talk shit about LeBron James. Yesterday he said LeBron is not the type of player you lose sleep over, like Kobe is. Does DeShawn think he is now a supposed analyst on TNT? Congratulations on being able to sleep the night before you play LeBron James. I hope your dreams are excellent. You still are about to lose the series though, so does it really matter? DeShawn Stevenson will have just about as famous of a career as his boy Soulja Boi will.

-In case anyone was wondering if Hubie Brown listens to hip hop, he does not. He instead rocks out to smooth jazz and he has sex with his wife while Nancy Grace plays on the television.

-Mike Tirico really does not like Soulja Boi. At all. At least three or four times he referred to him as a one-hit wonder and said he has getting a lot of media time he doesn’t deserve. It is safe to say the Mike might be jamming to some smooth jazz on that ABC bus with Hubie.

-DeShawn partied with Soulja Boi after Game 3. Soulja Boi is underage. I am currently waiting for those drunken pictures to surface.

-This whole LeBron-DeShawn thing has gotten a little out of hand. Jay-Z has officially made a song dissing DeShawn. In the meantime, DeShawn is being supported by Soulja Boi and some rapper from D.C. who no one has ever heard of rapping over Hova's own "Public Service Announcement" beat. Kind of fitting for the series huh? DeShawn being backed by nobodies while LeBron has the kingpin of hip hop by his side. Note to Drew Gooden and DeShawn, please do not ever have a beard growing contest again. It looks awful for both of you, and I know your women per night average has steadily declined.

A Little Playoff Update

The Cavaliers took games one and two from the Wizards. Game 3 was ugly. Here is my expert analysis.


What a difference homecourt makes in the playoffs. After blowing out the Wizards in Game 2 by thirty, the Cavs lost Game 3 by 36. Yes ladies and gentlemen, 36. After watching the Cavaliers play one of their best games of the season, they come out with this awful performance. DeShawn “I wave this hand in front of my face because when I retire no one will ever have heard of me so it’s like you can’t see me” Stevenson actually had a good game, while everything Jamison put up went in. The Cavs played absolutely horrid defense and reverted back to their old selves on offense. You know, the old, stand around while LeBron dribbles the ball for 15 seconds then lazily puts up a jumpshot. With Washington’s crowd chanting “overrated” you would have thought Bron Bron would have come stronger than that. Speaking of Washington’s crowd, let’s go through some of the big names that came out to see their team play. Colin Powell everyone! He was part of one of this worst presidential cabinets in history! Ladies and Gentleman, Soulja Boi! Single-handily ruining hip hop! I understand the rivalry here between these two teams, but really Washington fans? You guys are going to chant “Overrated” when LeBron is at the line? Didn’t he boot you guys out of the playoffs two years in a row? Didn’t he just drop 30 plus on your guys two games in a row? Didn’t he average 30 8 and 7 this year? That chant made all of us Clevelanders and everyone watching around the U.S. chuckle. Come up with a new cheer there Washington crowd. Glad you guys showed up for once.
The Cavs have got to win Game 4. I don’t want to see this thing go back to Cleveland all tied up at 2 a piece. The Cavs must move the ball around on offense like they did in Game 2, and Boobie has got to hit those threes on the road like he did at home. Z has to be more involved down low. Hopefully Coach Brown makes adjustments and the Cavs take Game 3, because tonight was an embarrassment.

Boy It Is Hot In Here

Here it Ladies and Gentleman, my NBA Finals pick:

Boston vs.......Phoenix....with Phoenix in 7. Why? This is the last year Phoenix has to win a championship. Shaq is going to push himself to another level in this year's playoffs because he also knows that this is his last year for a chance at one more championship. Amare Stoudamire is playing out of his mind, and Steve Nash is Steve Nash. Once they get past San Antonio, that monkey is off their back and they match up well with LA. Raja Bell always guards Kobe well, Amare is too quick for a rusty Bynum or Gasol, and Shaq is too big for either one of them. GOOOOO SUNS!

Tell Him What He's Won Jerry! The Eight Seed In The Eastern Conference Playoffs!

Ahhh, the Eastern Conference. Home of Jose Calderon, Samuel Dalembert, Jay-Z, Tyronne Lue, and many many more! And how can we forget the Iowa Energy, oh I'm sorry the Miami Heat? It was a year to remember folks. I remember at the beginning of this now mature NBA season. All the experts were talking about how the Eastern Conference had caught up with the West, with players like Rashard Lewis, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen all coming over to the East. Well sure enough the Celtics and the Magic improved immediately, but that was about it. Since everyone on the Bulls including former coach Scott Skiles thought they were being traded for Kobe Bryant, no one played well and the team that some crowned Eastern Conference Champs, or as Steven A. Smith said, "THEY GON' WIN THE EASTERN CONFERENCE!" fell towards the bottom of the standings. Or perhaps the team gave up after they drafted Joakim Noah. The young Raptors were ready to show their claws and jump into the category of Elite East teams, which is like 2, until they realized they play in Canada and decided it was not their year, ending up about .500 on the year. The Atlanta Hawks are going to make the playoffs though! Do you think Joe Johnson regrets his decision to leave Phoenix yet? 3 or 4 years since he has left and his Hawks are finally in the playoffs in the East and about to get swept, while the Suns have been in the playoffs every year since he left and have had a shot at the title every year. Good thinking Joe. Well the playoffs are here, and here I am to tell you who is gonna win. Think it's going to be Detroit or Boston? Well think again! Actually don't, cause it is.

I will start off with my ever-frustrating Cleveland Cavaliers. It appears as though their mid-season trade for Delonte West, Joe Smith, Ben Wallace, and Wally Sczjkhhf...I think that's how you spell his last name, has hurt more than it has helped this year. The Cavaliers are outscoring teams with LeBron on the bench, a sign that LeBron has been unable to get in a comfort zone with his new teammates or get used to playing with someone as pretty as Wally World. Anyway, the Cavs will take on the Washington Wizards for the third year in a row, and have to deal with their shitty fan base and shit talking players for the third year in a row. Don't get me wrong, I like Gilbert Arenas. But when someone named DeShawn Stevenson calls LeBron overrated shouldn't have Arenas interrupted that interview by yelling over from his locker, "Hey! DeShawn! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TO DETROIT LAST YEAR? SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Anyway, anything is possible with LeBron, and if Boobie and Wally start hitting shots it can really stretch the defense. But beating Boston in the second round is a bit of a stretch in itself.

Detroit is like the Spurs of the East. A really good team who appears to be falling off and are boring as hell to watch unless Rasheed goes off on one of his temper tantrums, which he has cut down on this year. This year they have a group of five backups called the Zoo Crew. When Chauncey and the gang gets tired, Flip Saunders inserts and elephant, a giraffe, a peacock, a monkey, and the rare toucan. Oh I am sorry, wrong Zoo Crew. Consisting of Jason Maxiel, Arron Afflalo, Rodney Stuckey, and two others who are probably good basketball players, this group of five have been blowing out teams in this last week of the season. Yes that means you Minnesota Timberwolves, you are now losing to zoo animals.

What more can we say about the Celtics? KG has been a man possessed all year (he really has, Keanu Reaves had to exorcise a demon out of him earlier in the year) turning Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo into offensive and defesinve stars. And why has no one mentioned how big Rondo's hands are? HIS PENIS HAS GOT TO BE FUCKIN HUGE! That right there is reason enough for teams to get out of the Celtics way, in fear of being cock-slaped by Rajon Rondo.

Congratualtions to the Hawks for making the playoffs. Enjoy your week of first round ass kickings by the Celtics and get ready for another mediocre year! Hurray!

Orlando relies way to much on their ability to hit the three point shot to beat either Detroit or Boston. But honestly who wants to bang down low with that man child in Dwight Howard. That man is the T-Rex of the NBA. He walks around the land looking for other dinosaurs(players for those of you who don't understand my complex metaphors) to eat, but no one wants to challenge him. Then when the stupid Stegosaurus decides to step up he just gets eaten. Dwight Howard and Greg Oden, ladies and gentlemen, big men are back.

Everyone thinks the 76ers could be the surprise of this years' playoffs. But against Detroit in the first round? No way. Toronto? Have fun with Howard, Chris Bosh.

Here is how I see it playing out.

#1 Boston deaf. #8 Hawks
#2 Detroit deaf. #7 Sixers
#3 Orlando deaf. #6 Toronto
#4 Cavaliers deaf. #5 Wizards

#1 Boston deaf. #4 Cavaliers
#2 Detroit deaf. # 3 Orlando

#1 Boston deaf. #2 Detroit...boring I know but I just don't see anyone taking out Detroit or Boston. On with the playoffs!

Blogging adds 7 years to your life....

Ladies and Gentleman it has been a long time since Kimmy and I have blogged it up, and we know all 6 of of our readers have been worried about our whereabouts. But, have no fear, for have returned and are ready to blog once again. Kimmy has been drunk all weekend in Indiana so please forgive him if his next post is about the "fratmosphere" or how much he loves Mean Girls. Where have I been you ask? I have been mired in college work, college women, and college booze. We are back now though, so enjoy.

Next Saturday marks the beginning of the 2008 NBA playoffs, which for the Western Conference will be like World War II with each team fighting each other till the bitter end while suffering many casualties while Hitler poisons himself in the locker room. For the Eastern Conference it will be more like Vietnam. Boston and Detroit will play the Vietkong while teams like Atlanta, Philadelphia and Toronto will be playing America; getting their asses handed to them and after a while(maybe the third game of the series) they start to wonder why they are there in the first place. I look forward to this weekend, and I shall now tell you who I think will come out of all this mess and why my predictions are probably wrong.

First I want to talk about the Los Angeles Lakers. They beat the Flopping Bitch Huge Nose-less Spurs, oh I am sorry, the Manu Ginobli-less Spurs pretty handily this afternoon at the Staples Center. The one thing that sticks out on the Lakers besides Luke Walton is the size they have on that team. Paul Gasol, Ronnie Turiaf, Andrew Bynum when he comes back, Lamar Odom. It is going to be extremely hard to beat this team in rebounds and toughness under the rim. Gasol is money from 10 feet. Kobe Bryant and Gasol run one of the prettiest pick and roll plays aside from Chris Paul and David West. Ronnie Turiaf can step out and hit the long jumper, a huge asset for a man his size. Lamar Odom can apparently play any position as he brought the ball up the court multiple times. Derek Fisher has returned to his championship Lakers team form, hitting threesand contested jumpers all over the place. And then of course you have Kobe Bryant who could hit a shot sitting on top the jumbotron if he wanted to. The Lakers have a legit shot at the title this year.

So is it just me or do the Denver Nuggets not really deserve to be in the playoffs this year? It is ridiculous that with the amount of talent they have on that team they lost to the Sonics in double overtime when the season is on the line. The Denver Nuggets on offense are unstoppable. the Denver Nuggets on defense are a joke. I think everyone besides Marcus Camby wants to get back on offense so bad they could care less about defense. It is like that kid at your local gym. He challenges you to a pick up game, realizes you are playing defense on him when all he wants to do is dribble the ball between his legs for 20 seconds and then do some crazy reverse layup. He gets frustrated, then when its his turn to play defense he doesn't even bother, and the game is no longer fun for anyone. That is the Denver Nuggets in a nutshell. Same thing with Golden State. Sure they are a lot of fun to watch. But no team that gives up over 100 points a game is going past the second round in the Western Conference.

Houston will lose to Utah in the first round. For the third straight year, the Rockets will be going home early. No way playing with Skip To My Lou and Dikembe Mutumbo is going to continue to carry this team like it did during that 22 game winning streak.

So who do I see coming out of it? Let's do it like this:
#1 Lakers deaf. #8 Nuggets
#2 Hornets deaf. #7 Mavericks in a very close series
#6 Phoenix deaf. #3 Spurs-This is the year the Spurs go down
#4 Utah deaf. #5 Houston

Then out of the four teams left I see either the Lakers or Suns coming out of the West to face Boston in the finals. I will save that very anticipated pick for a later time. Scenarios to watch in the Western Playoffs:

-Does Luke Walton actually dunk in a pressure filled playoff game? And if he does is this hope for average white basketball players everywhere?
-How many people does Chris Paul end up crossing over? How many people will Tyson Chandler dunk on? And can the person that gets dunked on have to take off their jersey and leave the building like in Streetball? This could be an alternate solution to fouling out. you get posterized, you leave.
-Is Carlos Boozer still a bitch for leaving Cleveland? Yes folks, he is.
-How many fingers wags does Mutumbo have left before his finger just falls off because of how old it is?
-After getting swept in the first round, will Nuggets stars 'Melo and AI have a press conference like this?
"Look, we look amazing in these powder blue uniforms and we score a hundred points a fucking game! So am I disappointed? No, I am not. I got my ring at Syracuse, I don't need to win a finals to validate my career."
"Yea we talkin' bout the first round! I'm too damn small to play defense, talk to J.R. Smith or some shit."
-Shaq in that hideous Suns jersey vs. Kobe Bryant.
-How long until Dirk Nowitzki says, "Look, Chris Paul and David West are way to good, and I don't know how to beat them, so they did a good job of never letting us win. I got this tiny angry coach yelling at me and I'm like 5 feet taller than him, I can't handle this. Cuban, fuckin trade me."

Look out for that exciting Eastern Conference preview this week! WOOOOO!