Tell Him What He's Won Jerry! The Eight Seed In The Eastern Conference Playoffs!

Ahhh, the Eastern Conference. Home of Jose Calderon, Samuel Dalembert, Jay-Z, Tyronne Lue, and many many more! And how can we forget the Iowa Energy, oh I'm sorry the Miami Heat? It was a year to remember folks. I remember at the beginning of this now mature NBA season. All the experts were talking about how the Eastern Conference had caught up with the West, with players like Rashard Lewis, Kevin Garnett, and Ray Allen all coming over to the East. Well sure enough the Celtics and the Magic improved immediately, but that was about it. Since everyone on the Bulls including former coach Scott Skiles thought they were being traded for Kobe Bryant, no one played well and the team that some crowned Eastern Conference Champs, or as Steven A. Smith said, "THEY GON' WIN THE EASTERN CONFERENCE!" fell towards the bottom of the standings. Or perhaps the team gave up after they drafted Joakim Noah. The young Raptors were ready to show their claws and jump into the category of Elite East teams, which is like 2, until they realized they play in Canada and decided it was not their year, ending up about .500 on the year. The Atlanta Hawks are going to make the playoffs though! Do you think Joe Johnson regrets his decision to leave Phoenix yet? 3 or 4 years since he has left and his Hawks are finally in the playoffs in the East and about to get swept, while the Suns have been in the playoffs every year since he left and have had a shot at the title every year. Good thinking Joe. Well the playoffs are here, and here I am to tell you who is gonna win. Think it's going to be Detroit or Boston? Well think again! Actually don't, cause it is.

I will start off with my ever-frustrating Cleveland Cavaliers. It appears as though their mid-season trade for Delonte West, Joe Smith, Ben Wallace, and Wally Sczjkhhf...I think that's how you spell his last name, has hurt more than it has helped this year. The Cavaliers are outscoring teams with LeBron on the bench, a sign that LeBron has been unable to get in a comfort zone with his new teammates or get used to playing with someone as pretty as Wally World. Anyway, the Cavs will take on the Washington Wizards for the third year in a row, and have to deal with their shitty fan base and shit talking players for the third year in a row. Don't get me wrong, I like Gilbert Arenas. But when someone named DeShawn Stevenson calls LeBron overrated shouldn't have Arenas interrupted that interview by yelling over from his locker, "Hey! DeShawn! SHUT THE FUCK UP! YOU SEE WHAT HE DID TO DETROIT LAST YEAR? SHUT THE FUCK UP!" Anyway, anything is possible with LeBron, and if Boobie and Wally start hitting shots it can really stretch the defense. But beating Boston in the second round is a bit of a stretch in itself.

Detroit is like the Spurs of the East. A really good team who appears to be falling off and are boring as hell to watch unless Rasheed goes off on one of his temper tantrums, which he has cut down on this year. This year they have a group of five backups called the Zoo Crew. When Chauncey and the gang gets tired, Flip Saunders inserts and elephant, a giraffe, a peacock, a monkey, and the rare toucan. Oh I am sorry, wrong Zoo Crew. Consisting of Jason Maxiel, Arron Afflalo, Rodney Stuckey, and two others who are probably good basketball players, this group of five have been blowing out teams in this last week of the season. Yes that means you Minnesota Timberwolves, you are now losing to zoo animals.

What more can we say about the Celtics? KG has been a man possessed all year (he really has, Keanu Reaves had to exorcise a demon out of him earlier in the year) turning Kendrick Perkins and Rajon Rondo into offensive and defesinve stars. And why has no one mentioned how big Rondo's hands are? HIS PENIS HAS GOT TO BE FUCKIN HUGE! That right there is reason enough for teams to get out of the Celtics way, in fear of being cock-slaped by Rajon Rondo.

Congratualtions to the Hawks for making the playoffs. Enjoy your week of first round ass kickings by the Celtics and get ready for another mediocre year! Hurray!

Orlando relies way to much on their ability to hit the three point shot to beat either Detroit or Boston. But honestly who wants to bang down low with that man child in Dwight Howard. That man is the T-Rex of the NBA. He walks around the land looking for other dinosaurs(players for those of you who don't understand my complex metaphors) to eat, but no one wants to challenge him. Then when the stupid Stegosaurus decides to step up he just gets eaten. Dwight Howard and Greg Oden, ladies and gentlemen, big men are back.

Everyone thinks the 76ers could be the surprise of this years' playoffs. But against Detroit in the first round? No way. Toronto? Have fun with Howard, Chris Bosh.

Here is how I see it playing out.

#1 Boston deaf. #8 Hawks
#2 Detroit deaf. #7 Sixers
#3 Orlando deaf. #6 Toronto
#4 Cavaliers deaf. #5 Wizards

#1 Boston deaf. #4 Cavaliers
#2 Detroit deaf. # 3 Orlando

#1 Boston deaf. #2 Detroit...boring I know but I just don't see anyone taking out Detroit or Boston. On with the playoffs!